bundle of hopes

if you kill me tonight, don let the other cows know, don put my poor body on display, hide it hide it, for their sake! let them wondereven if i made it, id still be stuck walking on my own four feet, id still be a slave to eating and sleeping and drinking...not like those humans, flying about while sitting, watching their movies while flying

i love my job

i love my job every day i put on my nice black and yello striped suit and hop on a train and zap im at the office ah the good ol office, hello everyone iiiiiim back! i say in my head, i go to my little desk in the corner. its dark because no one bothered to change the lights but thats ok i sit in the dark here and do my work. what work is it i actually do? im not sure but it seems to involve a computer somehow and microsoft excel. i go through all the network shares and open up documents till my screen is full of numbers and letters and then i fling up my arms and start typing, what am i typing you ask? oh i type all kinds of wonderful stories and poems about cows and dogs and horses, its all in a secret notepad file i keep off to the side of my monitor, i just type im not sure what im typing half the time because i forget the start of the story as im typing the end but it seems to end up as something as a matter of course. my boss really likes my progress, he says i am very professional and courteous, well folks a black and yellow striped suit doesnt hurt! i dont show him my stories and poems however because in my experience business people arent very fond of that type of stuff...oh well! money money money money!

cows will be free pt 2

they took me and put me in a place where its always dark. there are some cracks where light  gets in but thats all. ohh its horrible its horrible, they chased me down andchased me back.ive been fed horrible dead stale grass and theres no space to walk or a hill to stand on or look at not even the clouds....all theres space to do is walk in a circle just a tiny circle and its more like turning really but thats what ive been doing just going in those circles until i get dizzy. oh and to think right now i might have gotten to those hills i always looked at afar. to taste those fabled fields across from us where the horses live. and all that... i hardly care if i die soon and they might sure enough put me to death soon enough. this just a momentary stop before my execution... waah those hills. should i have stayed. is that what you'd have me do? ?? just stay. was that the right thing to do, staying, longing, imagining, chewing, cowardly, and be satisfied?? on the bright side ive been having the most wonderful dreams in here. all of a sudden i wake up and im a human and sitting but moving really fast and outside fly trees and houses, greyly... its still too cold and the trees havent even begun to bud yet but they will soon. everything looks dead sure but it's obvious to everybody it's only the illusion of deadness and the obviousness of the illusion cheers me up a little. what am i saying well im getting sleepy now. hopefully those dreams will come tonight.

someone elses memory

it's been a while hasn't it?
he wondered where it was they were supposed to go now, where they would say they're coming from... somewhere in the distance they could make out the silhouette of a crooked old man in the fog. when they came closer they heard the sound of running water. perhaps he was not crooked or old at all, but merely a fisherman hunched over his occupation. they stopped by a tree -- look i know what i said to you i remember i won't deny it but...but well... she waited for him to finish. somehow he'd lost his thought, lost even the motive for his speech. he was sure the man could hear everything they were saying. he dropped his voice down to a whisper. well you know... you know how it is, i mean do i have to spell it out to you. you knew what kind of man i am... you know, right? right? -- you're right, i do know said she. he felt relieved. so she knew!... well then i suppose we better head off back to our homes i mean there really is no point in staying longer it was really a silly notion in the first place calling me out to meet in a place like this in the middle of the night i mean did you think it would change anything the scenery? -- speak up she said i can barely hear a word you're saying. why are you speaking so quiet anyway. there's no one but us and that old man over there. -- well exactly i dont want him hearing, he continued in a whisper. why she demanded. why, i dont understand, what does whether he hears or not have anything to do with anything. well i suppose it doesnt im just uncomfortable with the notion of other people hearing our most intimate matters. .. they fell into a silence. she glanced back at where they came, the big fields, the big sky overwhelming the land. she felt tears rise to her eyes. he was saying something about getting back. the river, the moon, the fields, the old man, figure of a boy, figure of a girl. everything seemed to gather into agonies of meaning. later, she remembers all this quite by accident...

office workers

outside my window, all the mysterious office workers in their grey suits and dresses are streaming in and out of buildings. waah so many people! what are they all thinking? but you already know what they are thinking...maybe i don't though. don't tell me. they might be pretending they are knights or pirates or bored young lords, as they scuttle about, as they descend and ascend the same buildings through the same fluttery doors. at any time i guess i could go down there and walk about them and maybe listen in on their conversations and look closely at their shoes, and i have i have! but right now they seem so utterly unreachable to me...they seem like figures in an old nice drama. it's a beautiful one, but no one seems to understand how beautiful it is save for me and its author and maybe the people involved in the play, they all believe in him, but i believe in him the most. if we talked i think he would find in me, maybe for the first time in his life, someone who was made of the same wood. we would talk about the things we liked, and the things we noticed that maybe no one else in the world had ever noticed. we are both alike, both stuck being rather childish about things, and now dont get me wrong my childhood was nice, except people tended to instinctually ignore me, they were made of metal like robots not wood like us, my childhood was peaceful and quiet and solitary but i still havent reached the end of it, it's like a question i'm stuck on and can't move past over. wandering cyberspace as a cow errant...kinda crummy! but i imagine it's like that for him too. ill tell him all about the people in their grey suits flying about in the rain. we'll sit down at a cafe at night like cool bohemians and drink, no beer for me thanks ill just have an iced tea, and talk about stuff that's joyfully trivial and i'll tell him funny stories about innocent animals and the rain will soon stop, the streets will be all glittery. then when we've had enough of the cafe we wont take the cab, we'll walk and we'll take the long route too and take in the sights of the city. is that too romantic? but we are just bored young people we've long stopped thinking of things in terms of that. yes, we are very disillusioned and world weary too. we dont think we're important, in fact just the opposite, and we wish we were less.

im going to be more productive starting....now.

im so tired of having to calm my anxiety all the time. im so tired of listening to music even when im not in the mood. what else am i tired of? im gonna be determined from now on. theres a big world in front of me a big big world! i dont want to waste any more time. time is running out! work! work work!

dim conceptions

for what kinda light
have you settled...
on my nose...?
you wone find any...hope here
or railing passions.....
a bundle of meat, sadly mooing.....
are you close to death...?
pilgrimaged to die
on the solitude...of my nose...?
hush up your longings!
frail pilgrimage
you've begun to descry...
illusory...fire...in the dark
every day is the beginning of a new day

cows will be free

granpa reached the limit of his anxieties and his mind became a stone, he didnt pace all day anymore, just sat, sat in his chair, sat on his stone, and waah he was so at peace...he slept a long time each day...in the evenin he didnt try to correct the stupid young peolpe like he used to and be angry...his mind stopped twisting so much it twisted his face like it did before when his mind wasnt like a stone and he just remained silent, he barely ate or even looked at the hills...some of the other people were sad but i wasnt. granpa is granpa. sometmies i stare at him for whole hours when everyone else is talking with each other, i wonder whats inside his brain i wonder whats inside his brain (i think to myself)...was he thinking like he was sitting, thinking the same way he was sitting on that stone? was that thinking? but granpa wasnt sitting (cows don't sit you idiot!) he was standing, just standing near a little rock. and people werent talking, only cows were just mooing, just mooing randomly, their crummy observations anent the weateher, their crummy notions on whats good or bad, yes or no...(that's all they can think about) his mind was the stone he stood nearby each day. he says yes to no, yes to yes...he says no to yes.

ive lived too long on this crummy field with these crummy cows. too long just sampling the world. sitting here watching those horses run by... cows will be free, cows will be poets...i know this i know this...the other cows go thats rediculous thats rediculous...

ive looked too long! longingly at those hills and just those hills i realize, waaah, i realize it now after so long. all ive become are those small hills, the grass on which i sit, the small weather and the small sky, everything i see day in and day out, night in and night out, the small stars, has become me and its not enough. no no no no i won have it anymore. i won be a slave anymore to comfort or peacefulness or pleasure or or just a slave... im leaving! and never looking back! starting from today i will live out my dreams. the view from other hills. foreign grasses. perhaps ill even taste the blue grass of the sky or rest pon the gentle cumulonimbi my ancestors have gone...ill meet various horses and flowers. ill lap from various streams. i might be uncomfortable...i might even die! but that's it, the trauma, the change, the risk of it all, thats whats beautiful you idiots!!!

never looking back...you wont see me again until ive made it

an image of someone looking at stars but not the stars

we stayed out late tonight and i thought whether humans can feel the same stuff we do...

cows cant hold hands…we will never know how that feels… i guess everyone has stuff no one else can have

prison story

+woof: i wrote this a while ago but never posted it. this is a story about how hard it is to make decisions...it's really stressful!

i had been given a choice. i was being held at gunpoint in a stone room closed off to nature... i had been trembling and crying but now i felt a surge of joy. i was happy. i realized i was still alive. and this was something to be happy about. it meant i was in control of my destiny after all. because the gun still had not been fired. and it dawned on me that this was my choice. my choice... -- the guard took on a friendlier appearance. after all it had been hours, or days (i have the habit of tuning out whenever i get overly excited) and he was still standing watch over me. even with a gun, it was still a form of devotion. and he wasnt pointing it at me as some sort of threat or symbol of power as i had been taking it as up till now. no, oh no, it was simply his duty! he was merely under orders. and it was as if only now i began to really see him: i realized almost to my shame that he had never once budged his arm in all this time, he had held the gun at me, loyally, without a single break, like a steadfast lover, held it up just waiting for me with infinite patience to make my decision without comment or complaint or anything and all i could do all this time was cry and think about my own petty anxieties! and only notice now after how many days! i'd been a selfish idiot. compared to him my responsibility was nothing. even if i died, there would be nothing after, i would just be dead, and thered be no guilt like for him for having murdered a person. that would be something that you had to live with, hanging darkly over you for the rest of your life, infecting your dreams... he was the real one suffering! the real one bearing all the risk! and i saw him in my visions, tall and noble in his straightforwardness, almost heroic. i felt incredibly grateful to him for all he had done... if i could only give him something in return, just to show him...but i could, i could! -- im ready to make my decision now i said. he made no sign of recognition, but this was because his eyes had always been focused on me, i had always held his complete attention. when i spoke then, there was no more he could give. and at that moment it felt almost as if he and i were bound not only by duty and circumstance but in some...spiritual way. it felt like he would support me no matter what decision i made... i made my choice, i gave an answer, to this day i dont know if it was the right one, or if i could even ever have said the right one in all the infinite multitudes of my possibilities... but he lowered the gun. immense relief washed over me, it felt like a great burden had been lifted. he bowed his head and left the room promptly without a further sign... the door closed behind him. i ran after him but the door was locked. wait, i screamed. wait... and now, oh i realized once again i had been an idiot! making the decision in the spur of the moment, without having thought it over... and once again i had been wrong. the burden i had felt being lifted had been a part of me. it had brought me anxiety and pain but it had also brought me the possibility of joy. and now there was nothing... i wished i had done the selfish thing. there had been no indication that the burden wasnt the same for him, that his role too of guard and executioner had likewise been a part of him as mine was of the convicted. there had been no indication that my act would have been a net positive for him either...its consequences were indecipherable. true, i could not have talked to him or, or i couldnt have touched him for impugning on what duty allowed but still i could have waited. i could have waited longer. i could have watched him. or at the least... i could have talked aloud to myself... and perhaps if he wanted to... he could have talked aloud to himself too... and we could have communicated that way, without disgrace... -- but now there was nothing. since i spoke the decision, i could not even cry anymore. a single electric light from above illuminated everything in a flat shadowless yellow. i threw myself against the walls and hammered the door. i could not even cry anymore. pain went up my nerves but couldnt get through to my brain. it felt nothing i was doing was actually being done. the blood i bled was yellow and did not well up or drip but simply fell out like little artificial bits of stuffing.


wah i wanna be real
i am not a name
i am not a cow on your computer!

i know i will be real

old cows bored of the scenery

waah waah
i cant make a song
worth my lament.....
awoo awoo
awoo awoo
awoo awoo

so many animals
have lived and died
around the world.....

it was soft
like a flower
now it's soft like mud.....

punku rocku

fine leave me
i got my sky and clouds
leave then! i got my fields of grass
i dont need you
i wont be your cow
cows will be free! cows will be poets!
la resistance! la resistance!

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so much

wah stop hurting me!
no! i wont have it i wont have it i wo i wo
go away to the other cows!
my feelings are like precious horses!
go to the other cows fine!
i wanna watch, fine!!!
i know i am i know i am......
i wont have it!
my feelings are like shining horses
and...your a bad man! an ugly man!
and...wah i won't have it.....
i know my feelings are shimmering horses
my feelings are a world of dust...

im sorry!

im sorry! im sorry!
im sorry!
please please please please
please please please...

crazy jane and the red man

woof: waaaaah this is a sad story! murder is bad......even if your a gangster or cop!!!

kill kill kill. she's chanting this to  herself... gee whiz this woman's crazy! but she is my wife after all -- yes! my wife. so no matter what i will like her! and i'll stay with her! they're all dead... she's more relaxed today i notice. hey hey come on now don't be so morbid! i say. suddenly she starts. who. who. woof? woof is that you. yes silly it's me! it's a meee wooof. hey hey dont you remember now wifey... wahoo you remember now..? woof... where are you woof. woof. i'm here i'm here! (patting her shoulder). oh woof... now dont oh woof me mam! dont you know what you done! oh but it's okay. (i'm feeling kinda guilty for scolding her) daijobu! it's just us now... oh woof i cant see you. well that's cause you got no eyes! no ...? welll...you rippppped, ripped em out! well dont blame me, that red guy...or whatever -- oh no oh no daijobu daijobu dont fret i'm here! woof's here! no i see him... (she's shaking in my arms) i see him. yes yes i know i know! daijobu! chill out! here, dont you remember the lake? remember that autumn? all the leaves, the mountains, waah the big sky. ah those were the days. the sky was so blue and the leaves were so many colors. they were so many colors, wife! it's summer now, it might not feel like it but believe me it is! and theres a nice sunset. you cant really see the sun anymore, just its light in the sky there. and there's a bit of red shining on the waters over there. and theres a moon over there, out already mr moon gee have some propriety haha...row row row your boat... merrily! merrily! merrily! merrily! life is but a dream! merrily merrily merrily liiife isss buuut aaaa dreeeaaaaam!-ma! my voice today was thick and lustrous and i belted those last words out broadway style, even though i had a feeling she wasnt paying much attention. poor wife! but, see that's why we had so many marital problems back then! ah but oh well. you cant have everything in life! just gotta enjoy what ya got. kill kill kill.

the hill

woof: this story is about my experiences as a cow! being a cow is nice! no responsibilities!

the grass is fuller near the hill because the other cows wont go here for some reason but i will go. it dont matter what they think, their superstitions, its blank fields all around i mean you can see anything coming for miles around. there's nothing to be scared of. geez! geez! there's nothing but me and the grass and the heat and the wind. sometimes too, be a faint mooing from em back by the farm, arguing with each other, or vainly soliloquizing... i used to get so nervous you know before i started coming out here... but now it's fine, daijobu. these things are ok at a distance. when im up here i like to think about the lives of people. yes people! (you heard me!) i think they're interesting though i understand how you could be ambivalent about em. i think they're cool! by the trees over there, there's always a couple who would go over there to talk. they would always be there talking always just talking and nothing else. i wonder if they're saying anything at all sometimes or just... just talking for the heck of it. just making sure they can still talk, making sure they're still the same as the last time they talked and all the times before that too. the other cows don't talk much except those days when one of em is gonna die, then the marked cow or cows get depressed. they talk about how there was all that grass they still wanted to chew, all those hills they wanted to stand on, all those culumonimbi they wanted to see. i wouldnt make such a big deal of it myself. such is life! every day i climb this hill and eat and look around. every evening the boy and girl will meet. sometimes it'll be raining and they'll lock us inside. do the boy and girl still talk then? have they all just been a part of my imagination all along ? ! ? ! none of the other cows care much. well that's just their loss ! i guess that's why i like going up on that hill.

the mouse

people die,
only ever having
seen through their eyes,
only ever having lived in their body

then, if your mousey nook
goes on to swallow
the whole world,
you will have the world as your nook,
mousey mouse

college is so fun

wow life is so crazy wow
so many parties wow
college is so fun haha